Melanie’s Miscellany – Covenantal Communications

“Communications” is a very big word. It covers everything from body language and facial expressions to face-to-face and telephone conversations, to emails and texting to bulletin boards, to Internet websites and blogs to paper newsletters. Everything we 21st century human beings do to pass along information of various kinds to each other falls under the rubric of communications, and we can either communicate well or poorly. That is, we can communicate in ways that instill fear or shame or guilt, elicit anger, and cause ruptures in relationships – or we can communicate in ways that foster appropriate intimacy, strengthen community, and increase cooperation.

Communicating well is a good thing all the time, but it is especially important in covenantal relationships, such as the connection between intimate partners, or the relationship between congregants in a UU church. Hurting the feelings of a retail store clerk you may never see again is not nice, but hurting the feelings of people with whom you are supposedly close and with whom you spend a great deal of time is even worse, for you, for them, and for the well-being of the covenant you share.

Many people mistakenly pride themselves on being “honest” or “blunt” – which usually translates that they feel free to say whatever to whomever. This often leads to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Folks with this predilection might be surprised to learn that they are perceived by those on the receiving end, not as brave truth-tellers, but as rude or insensitive. This kind of communications has the potential to damage covenantal relations.

Covenantal communications recognizes that we are all in this together, all of us flawed and human, no permanent villains and no permanent heroes, and no powerless victims either. All of us have the power to be change agents, to make things better or worse in our congregation by our choices and actions, and the ways we relate to each other. Refraining from meanness or rudeness in our communications does not mean that we have to accept whatever is dished out by others. We can instead hold ourselves and others accountable in ways that foster better closeness and improve the quality of our shared life together. When an issue or conflict arises – and it is always better to address such things sooner rather than later – we must ask ourselves questions that help us discern the right thing to do:

• Is this the right PERSON for me to bring it to? Talking about someone to someone else instead of directly to the first person is seldom the right way to go.

• Is this the right TIME to address this issue? Look for opportunities when all parties involved can set aside at least a half hour for the conversation.

• Is this the right PLACE to have this conversation? Bringing up a private concern in a public place, with many people listening, does not usually help a situation.

• Is this the right WAY to express my concerns? Wrong ways include using flaming emails, raising one’s voice, making accusations, insulting, belittling, walking out.
  

Positive communications, the kind that enhances our shared community and strengthens our sense of covenant with one another, involves a 4-step process:

Observations. Stating the concrete actions that have been experienced. (“In front of others, you told Cornelia at the church potluck that she had not planned it well.”)

Feelings. Saying what emotional or spiritual affect those actions have had. (“I feel sad that a dedicated volunteer got criticized in public after working hard. It gets more difficult to find volunteers if they feel their efforts are not appreciated.”)

Needs. Be clear about your own needs, desires, and values. (“It’s important to me as a church leader that our volunteers feel positive about the contributions they make. I know we can always improve our performance, and I appreciate your input. But we need for such feedback to be done in private, in a positive spirit.”)

Request. End by making a concrete request that would enrich the community. (“I would like you to attend a session the Hospitality Committee will hold on improving potlucks, and give your input to them. I’d also like to know how you feel about what I’ve said, because I’m always looking for ways to improve communications and teamwork in the church.”)

Sure, blurting out, “You suck!” is quicker and easier – but does not improve relationships or enhance community. As a covenantal community, we should value treating each other with kindness and courtesy over bluntness and abrasiveness; we should encourage each other to communicate clearly and appropriately.

Covenantal communications is a different way of relating to each other. Few of us have loads of experience in behaving like this, and so it is a challenge to change our mode of relating. It is a bigger challenge when the people involved have undergone some kind of trauma that make emotions more volatile. But when it is regularly practiced, personal integrity is enhanced and relationships are strengthened.

Let us make an effort in the church to practice Covenantal Communications with each other, for our own health and well-being, as well as that of our church.

In our shared ministry,

Melanie